I read today a random quote that said, think of a blue car and you will spot it, think of the sadness and you will spot it too. It was my answer to my constant void, a feeling of emptiness in my headspace. I had been places with this void and I kept thinking about what is missing. Be it standing in the middle of the crowd dancing and cheering, sitting at a table full of people & dining, walking lanes with hundreds of cars passing by every minute, I could not get rid of this void inside me. I felt it every time and it saddened me right then and there. I would just accept it as it came and thrived with it. I made it a part of my routine. I thought, maybe this is what everyone goes through, maybe this is how growing up is like! "You are there and yet still not there". I wanted to go back desperately to the time when I was happy.
I thought about all the possible things that had been a heartbreak to remind me of why do I keep feeling this void. I wondered if all of these incidences have created one & made it permanent. Time gives you some and takes some too. Time has taught me well how you can't just always hold on to things or people you love. You have to let it go. I learnt this when, when I very much took care of an empty bottle of wine gifted by a friend, had been a memory for the great time we had. One day, it fell and broke. I looked at it, it did hurt. I picked up the pieces and threw them all the next minute. Had it not been special anymore or was I just getting rid of it? I realized the very second that I was holding onto the memory through the bottle that would remind me every time of what it stood for - my great friendship! But now what, did I forget the friend or the friendship? None. I just got rid of the mediator. I got rid of the bottle because I won't have to carry it around anymore to remember things. It would stay with me even then. My friend and our friendship. It will stay there always because I created memory in my headspace. The brain so complex doesn't really delete anything. It will stay there for a lifetime even then.
Materials are mere mediators between our headspace and the memory, for why do we need one?
LETTING IT GO IS LIBERATING YOURSELF FROM THE EXTRA BAGGAGE.
With or without the bottle, the memory/memories are still retained. Likewise, in our lives, if we start cutting our mediator(s) and be straight or direct then maybe we might have fewer dilemmas, less overthinking, and fewer self-worth doubts.
Find these voids, feel them too. But then, do not let it grow inside you. Instead, re-filled by making new memories and new experiences. The process may take time, and it is okay to give its time. Like I believe, Trust the Time. I am choosing to re-fill them again, with a stronger system this time. For all I have understood is, voids are part and parcel of life and they will keep coming back but the only way to get rid of them is, by filling them again. I love celebrating my "first time doing new thing/experiencing", and there are zillion things I haven't experienced yet. No matter how small achievement is, celebrate it with yourself first and then the world. It is yours and it should have all your time and attention.
At times, it is more than just OK to tell yourself," If all you did is survived the day, I am proud of you".